


It Is Not Yet Life Day

by sira365



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: 501st, ARC Troopers (Star Wars), Aggressive Negotiations, Ahsoka is done, Anakin is chaos walking, Attempt at Humor, Bad Humor, Captain Rex is tired, Chaos, Christmas Crack, Christmas Decorations, Christmas Music, Clones, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunk Obi-Wan Kenobi, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Kix is mad, Life Day (Star Wars), Lightsabers, Madness, Movie: Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan Regrets Everything, Out of Character, Plans, PowerPoint, Revenge of the Sith References, Tranquilizers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:06:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sira365/pseuds/sira365
Summary: Anakin Skywalker has a problem. The Chosen One is obsessed with Life Day, maybe too obsessed.It is up to the 501st, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan to put a stop to the madness and protect their sanities.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, CT-6116 | Kix & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-7567 | Rex & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & CT-7567 | Rex, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 16
Kudos: 42





	1. Misunderstandings and New Discoveries

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Siri_Kenobi12](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siri_Kenobi12/gifts).



> It's December and I'm back to writing crack, holidays edition no less. 
> 
> Be prepared to lose some brain cells along the way. I am sorry. The idea (if I can call this monstrosity that) came to me in the middle of despair-filled studying and was guiltily typed out during my procrastinations. 
> 
> Reviews would be much appreciated. :)

The _Resolute_ was used to being in the thick of battle. Anakin Skywalker’s personal flagship, the destroyer made sure to make a scene wherever it went. It was hard for one to imagine peace and serenity aboard such a rambunctious ship, yet amidst a sleep cycle, the quiet humming of its hyperspace drive was the only sound to be heard.

On steel bunks bundled up in polyester blankets, the men of the 501st slept, lost in their dreamscapes. Little did they know, they’d never get to find out how their fantasies would end.

“ _LAst LiFe DaY, I gAve you mY heArt! But tHe vEry next day, yoU gave it aWay! This yEAr, to saVe me from teaRS, I’ll giVe it to sOmeOne speCial!”_

Sharp, foreign, croaking startled the clones from their slumber. 

“Intruder!” Fives whisper-shouted to his brothers, hand dipping beneath his mattress to find the secret blaster he stashed there. The other soldiers hopped off their beds, alert and ready for action.

A sudden screech of clanking metal. The squawks grew louder. The intruder was getting closer. 

Light on his feet, Fives hopped off his bed and slunk to the durasteel door. He gestured for a soldier to call the captain. A few other men joined him at the door, back flat against the wall, waiting for Fives’ signal to charge out to accost the enemy. 

Fives slammed his fist onto the control panel, and the door slid open in a whir as prominent as the beating of his heart against his chest. Battle instincts kicking in, he executed a forward roll into the corridor, staying low to the ground, pulling up in one swift move to raise his arm, fingers ready on the trigger, to point his weapon at, _at…_

“ _General Skywalker?_ ” Fives exclaimed, so aghast he forgot to lower his blaster. In front of his eyes, Fives saw Anakin Skywalker balancing precariously on top of a metal stool, a roll of adhesive tape worn on his left wrist, two hands high above his head busy fixing what appeared to be sparkly green tinsel onto the monochrome walls of the Resolute’s hallways. His body swaying to the _noise_ that was coming out of his mouth (Noise was the kindest word Fives could think of to describe what his dear General apparently considered to be singing).

Thankfully for Fives, the General stopped his caterwauling to turn his head to the squad of sleepwear-clad clones that had gathered in the corridor, all gaping at the confusing scene before them. 

Anakin dropped one end of the tinsel, freeing one hand to wave at the men, “Troopers! Hey! Did I wake you? Force, my bad. I-” He never got to finish his apology as the heavy stomps of running soldiers filled the other side of the hallway.

“Freeze! Drop your weapon!” Captain Rex stood firm and imposing across the corridor, a team of clones in full armor anticipating a fight behind him.

“Hands in the air!” A blur of neon green, Ahsoka Tano ignited her lightsabers as she jumped down from a ceiling vent, landing on the ground in a defensive Jar’Kai stance. 

“I’m afraid you’ve been surrounded.” Next to Captain Rex, Obi-Wan Kenobi gave a mocking nod in the intruder’s direction, his hand resting on his lightsaber hilt.

Gold-speckled tinsel tumbled and trailed further down the wall, its green trims bristling in the currents of recycled air. 

Anakin Skywalker faced his Captain, Padawan and former Master, empty hands both held up to convey he was not a threat, “Woah! Guys! It’s just me!”

“Master?” Ahsoka stumbled backwards upon hearing the familiar voice.

Captain Rex motioned at his men to put away their weapons.

Obi-Wan Kenobi threw an unamused look at his former Apprentice who was staggering disgracefully on a stool. “Anakin, what on Coruscant are you do-” But then Obi-Wan _really_ looked at his surroundings and the man in question _._ Walls lined with tinsel too shimmery for their own good, lurid ornaments dangling from Anakin’s utility belt, and _was that glitter on his leather glove?_

Then it hit him. It hit him harder than a speeder bike.

_Oh no. Oh no no no._

_Month 12. It’s the first day of Month 12._

Captain Rex turned his gaze to General Kenobi, who suddenly seemed to have a thousand-yard stare in his eyes. 

_The never-ending bells, and, and the colors, saturated, everywhere. The, the songs, and the singing, the god-awful singing._

“Master, why are you hanging up tinsel everywhere? Life Day’s not here yet.” Ahsoka broke the silence in the corridor, snapping Obi-Wan back to the present.

“Anakin, you will put down that tinsel, now.” Obi-Wan commanded, cool and uncompromising. 

The Jedi didn’t even pretend to listen, focused on snagging a piece of tape with his front teeth while adjusting the droop of the tinsel to make it level with the others. 

Knowing he had, not for the first time, lost his past Padawan to the Life Day decorations, Obi-Wan let out a defeated sigh, resigning himself to the weeks to come. He knew they were going to be _unpleasant_.

“Ahsoka, why don’t you help me with these.” Anakin fiddled with the hooks on his belt, removing a string of bells and ornaments. The bells jingled as he handed them to Ahsoka.

“Master, don’t you think it’s a bit too early for Life Day decorations?” Ahsoka questioned, struggling to carry all the ornaments in her arms. 

“You still have much to learn, Ahsoka. Nothing is too early for Life Day.”

Ahsoka personally thought that decorations at the start of Month 12 were a bit excessive, but she was the Padawan learner, so there had to be _some_ wisdom in her Master’s words. She hoped.

“What do you want me to do with these?” Ahsoka inspected a metallic-red plastic sphere.

“Hang them,” he moved his right arm in one slow, dramatic sweep around himself, “ _everywhere_.” 

From the other end of the hallway, Captain Rex and his men stared at their General. 

“Is General Skywalker alright sir?” Captain Rex quietly asked Obi-Wan.

“No, he is not.” Obi-Wan placed a frustrated hand on his forehead. Deciding he had witnessed Anakin’s spiral into holiday madness too many times before and could bear it no longer, he excused himself from the corridor and walked away. 

Having spent much time with his General as his first in command, Captain Rex thought he had a good idea of who General Skywalker was, but this was a side to him that he had never seen before. Rex watched General Kenobi’s retreating figure. Surely, the Master Jedi was overreacting, or maybe he was just tired. He knew that Life Day wasn’t in three weeks, but some enthusiasm never hurt anyone.

So, he let it be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The author recognizes the above Anakin Skywalker as a kindred spirit.
> 
> Gifting this work to Siri_Kenobi12 to firstly, thank her for her gift, second, for our pleasant exchanges on this platform, and finally, because it is the season of giving. Feel free to refuse this crackery, and I wallow in shame that this is what your beautiful fluff is being reciprocated with.


	2. Waning Patience and Bright Ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Skywalker's behavior is beginning to wear on the men. Captain Rex, always a man of action, may have a solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the paper thin plot thickens.

Captain Rex had been mistaken,  _ gravely  _ mistaken. He felt bad for second guessing General Kenobi a week prior. Obi-Wan was right, Anakin Skywalker had  _ lost it. _

"ALL I WANT FOR LIFE DAY, ISSSS PADMEEEEEEEE!" The general sang (if you could call it that) to the tune blasting on max volume throughout the ship. The melody of the song was festive and ebullient, and Rex admitted it was a good song, a damn good one, but having been played on repeat for the last week straight due to Skywalker's tinkering with the destroyer's AV system, his opinion on the song had evidently soured. 

Improvise, adapt, overcome. Those were Rex's strong points, he was genetically engineered to be an adroit problem solver after all. Faced with the predicament of an overly-boisterous general, he found ear plugs to be a simple yet effective solution. His general could get his Life Day music and singing out of his system, while he and his brothers got some uninterrupted peace. Frenzy and relative calm could coexist in perfect harmony. 

Or so he thought. 

He should have known from experience that General Skywalker's brand of chaos was not one easily contained.

“Captain, I can deal with the songs, I can bear with the singing, but I can’t do my job with, with  _ these _ scattered all around med bay,” Kix, the 501st's resident medic held out a helpless palm, on top of which sat a miniature Kashyyyk evergreen figurine, pointy tip included, "General Skywalker's placed these death traps everywhere! I stepped on one while trying to get gauze from the storage room! Swear I could have died! They have to go!" 

Rex rubbed a tired finger over a wearier temple. Kix wasn't the first man to come knocking on his door with complaints about their recent work conditions. Even the droids had rolled over to his office in angry beeps, something about the general trying to reprogram their diode colors and flashing sequences, Rex wasn't entirely fluent in droid speak. He felt the beginning of a long headache start to form in his cranium. 

The captain sat down with a heavy thump, "Look Kix, I'll bring this up with the commander, but there's not much we can do right now. I'm sorry, vod."

Muttering a Mandalorian curse under his breath, Kix stormed to the door, punching the open button, letting the jingling chords they had grown  _ too _ familiar with into the Captain's office. The two men groaned simultaneously at the sonic attack.

As the captain, Rex had the duty of not just overseeing his men, but also taking care of them, and right now, his brothers’ sanities were under threat. He took in a brave breath. General Skywalker must be stopped. The men were probably three more Life Day songs away from ejecting themselves out into hyperspace, force knew he was.

Plugging in his ear plugs with a newfound sense of determination, he marched out of his office and headed towards the commander’s quarters. Commander Tano could be their saviour in this lawlessness. He was aware of the general’s disdain for orders, and would likely heed no word from an authority figure, but surely, he’d listen to his Padawan’s concerns. 

Sensing the Captain outside her door through the force from her bunk, Ahsoka lazily swiped a few fingers through the air, sliding open her door to reveal the figure of Captain Rex with his right arm raised, about to knock. Letting out an awkward cough, he stepped into her room while removing his ear plugs, wincing slightly at the few notes that were able to sneak in before the door fully shut.

"Commander Tano, recent conditions on the ship have been detrimental to not only our men's performance, but also their well-being. I hope you can bring this up with the general, and come to some form of resolution." He reported, trying his hardest to hide exasperation and desperation from his voice.

Ahsoka completely understood where the men were coming from. Her Master’s Life Day proclivities began to wear on her the moment he enlisted her into hanging up ornaments around the ship. She had broken down into a blubbering mess after putting up what she was certain was the five hundredth shiny bob. Where did her Master get that many decorations? And how the heck was he able to smuggle them onto the ship? How had they not known earlier?

Arms strained and completely fed up, she had gone to her grandmaster, hoping, _praying,_ that he’d be able to put an end to her misery by reigning in his wayward former apprentice. Her pleas were not granted. Master Kenobi could not provide her with much help, occupied with rocking back and forth on the floor curled up in the foetal position. Ahsoka surmised that Master Kenobi was reliving the Month 12s’ past. 

“I’m sorry Rex, but Master Kenobi’s out of commission. I don’t think there’s much we can do to stop him,” she said, dejected, “I guess we’re just gonna have to cope with a sky high Skyguy for the coming weeks.”

Captain Rex dipped his head down in disappointment. He had hoped to hear something more optimistic. If even the Commander thought it impossible…

_ No. We can’t give up. We don’t give up. _

Captain Rex’s persistence wasn’t ready to abandon this fight yet. They’d faced megalomaniac Sith Lords, overcome relentless droid wave attacks, there had to be something that could be done to end the terror of the General’s rampage to spread Life Day joy. 

An idea flashed across his mind. To make the droid army bleed ( _ figuratively _ ), blow up the droid factories. He tilted his head back up, a new fire alight in his eyes. 

“Maybe, we just have to be a little more,” he paused for emphasis, “ _ Aggressive. _ ”

Hearing a chance for action, the violence-prone Padawan’s montrals twitched in intrigue.

“I’m listening.” 


	3. Confrontations and Happy Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans get executed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the final chapter.

Armed with a plan, a contingency, and a power-point presentation, the strong willed captain and the dedicated commander headed to General Kenobi’s quarters to convince him to join their scheme. The Jedi Master sat in a corner of the room, hands wrapped around shaking knees bent up to his chest, most certainly wallowing in a hole of regret for not putting an end to Anakin’s Life Day habit while he was still young and malleable. It took a bit more than a curt presentation to sway the man, but they did succeed. Fine Corellian whiskey on top of the General’s dresser was the final push needed for Obi-Wan to pledge himself to their plan of action.

Now, blood flowing with liquid courage, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi staggered ahead of Ahsoka, Rex and a small platoon of men.

“Where is he, Captain?” he belched.

Captain Rex scanned the information projected from his communicator, “Security footage shows he’s in the hangar, General.”

Obi-Wan lifted a wobbly arm, “To the hangar we go! This way, men!”

“Um, Master, you’re going down the wrong hallway.” Ahsoka pointed out.

“It’s not my fault I can’t think with all this blasted music blaring everywhere.” he drunkenly mumbled. 

While the music was certainly disruptive, Ahsoka couldn’t quite see how it would affect one’s ability to read direction signs printed out huge and bold. Reaching the conclusion that her grandmaster was too sloshed to navigate, Ahsoka grabbed the teetering Jedi by his arm and dragged him all the way to the destroyer’s hangar. 

"Everyone ready?" Ahsoka faced the men, fingers hovering above the door panel.

Ahsoka received a chorus of determined yeses and one incoherent one.

She entered in the key code, and the steel doors raised up. In the middle of the hangar was the general, engrossed in curling a garland around the nose of a Delta-17. 

The clones scurried into the hangar, and moved to surround the general, forming a circle around him and the starfighter.

The spur of activity seemed to sober up Obi-Wan a little. "Put down that garland, Anakin! It is not the Jedi way!" Obi-Wan yelled while trying to use the force to call Anakin's lightsaber to him. The manipulation was not entirely smooth, and the lightsaber jiggled in the air, the Jedi's powers clearly still impaired by alcohol. The fact that Obi-Wan was able to pull it off was more of a testament to how enthralled his former apprentice was in decorating rather than the Master's own innate talent.

Anakin turned around to look at the troopers. Starting to realize what was unfolding around him, he tightened his grip on the garland. 

He noticed the blasters (set to stun of course) being pointed at him by his own men, "What is the meaning of this?" 

“Master, we’re not here to hurt you. Please, just stop decorating.” Ahsoka pleaded. 

The General refused to budge.

Ahsoka sighed, she hoped it wouldn’t have had to come to this, but her Master’s stubbornness gave her no choice. Her heart twinged knowing that this was going to hurt him. Moving her arm, she tugged the garland towards herself using the force, catching it with her other hand. 

“NOOOOOOOO!” Anakin yelled, pained and outraged at the sudden loss of his decoration, “You will give me back that garland, Padawan!” 

Anakin made a leap towards Ahsoka, but his attempt at tackling his Padawan came short with Ahsoka simply taking a few steps to the left, evading his trajectory. The general hit the floor, sprawled out in a manner least dignifying. 

“Can’t you see, Master! You have been blinded by your unrestrained holiday lunacy!” Ahsoka cried out, shocked that she managed to escape her master’s grapple, Master Skywalker was not one to miss a target.

“I have failed you, Anakin. I was never able to teach you to control your Life Day passions.” Obi-Wan walked to where his former Apprentice lay. Anakin grunted in response, displeased.

Passing Ahsoka, Obi-Wan took the garland from her hand, “It’s over, Anakin. I have the garland.” 

“Give that back, Obi-Wan!” Anakin jumped back up from the ground, a ball of fury. 

Obi-Wan lit up his lightsaber, its azure blue blade held dangerously close to the green garland. 

Fear and anger clouded Anakin’s eyes, he looked about ready to pounce on Obi-Wan and reclaim what was his.

Obi-Wan pushed his saber a few centimeters closer to the garland, narrowing his eyes at Anakin, “Don’t try it.”

Wanting to thrust Obi-Wan’s cruel blade away from his precious garland, Anakin shot his hand to his belt, grasping for his lightsaber, only to be met with despairing emptiness where his hilt usually resided. 

At the sight of black smoke effusing from its stray fringes, Anakin’s lips trembled. Lightsaberless and besieged by his men and Padawan, there was nothing Anakin Skywalker could do to turn this situation around. Never in his life before had he felt so helpless, not even when Dooku cut off his arm.

“Shut down the AV system, Anakin, and I promise you your garland will be safe.” Obi-Wan bargained, moving his saber further away from it as a show of good faith.

Despite his plight, the Hero With No Fear refused to yield, resolve hard as ever. “Never!” he sneered. 

Obi-Wan, always the nimble negotiator, deemed it the appropriate time to take this parley to the next level, “You will turn off the music, Anakin, or I will tear down the tinsel.” 

Anakin’s face paled.

“ _ All of it. _ ” 

To add more weight to General Kenobi’s remark, Captain Rex took a purple string of tinsel out from his back pocket. He lifted it out slowly, making sure General Skywalker’s eyes followed every movement. Each end of the tinsel was clenched pertinaciously in his two fists. Staring straight at the general, he stretched out the tinsel a little, exerting just enough force for intimidation, but not enough to ruin the stricken Jedi. 

Emboldened by the Captain's display, Kix pushed his way to the front of the men and threw a Kashyyyk evergreen figurine onto the floor next to the general, aiming a blaster at it. 

“You  _ menaces _ !” Anakin gasped.

A violet trimming fell off from the tinsel in Captain Rex's hands. It fluttered weakly through the air, frail and alone, isolated and  _ torn _ from its home. Its soundless landing on the cold ground pushed Anakin over the edge. The mindless shedding of tinsel trimmings was too much for the general to stomach. 

Everyone stood in silence, giving General Skywalker a few minutes to process his loss. Only the blaring of Life Day music from overhead speakers was heard. 

Anakin gazed at those who had beat and bested him. His arm shook as he brought up his communicator, and his fingers quivered as he initiated the AV system’s shutdown. 

The troopers released sighs of relief upon hearing the fading out music. Obi-Wan’s blade collapsed back into its hilt, and he dropped the garland onto the floor. 

“There, I turned it off. Happy?” Anakin bitterly expressed. 

Returning his blaster to his holster, Kix unhooked a tranquilizer gun from his belt, handing it to Commander Tano. 

Ahsoka gladly accepted the tranquilizer, and pointed it at her Master apologetically, “Very, Master. This is gonna hurt a little, I’m sorry.” She aimed and pulled the trigger.

Anakin, still reeling from everything that had just transpired, didn’t notice the projectile fly towards him.

Zipping through the air, the dart hit the Jedi’s shoulder. For the second time today, Anakin Skywalker flopped onto the floor with an echoing thud. The dart may be tiny, but it was potent, and the Jedi Knight was knocked out cold by the diazepam.

“Give me a hand here!” Kix waved a few clones over to help transfer the unconscious general to a stretcher. 

They carried him to his room, Ahsoka and Obi-Wan accompanying them. Together, they hoisted the general to his bed. The mattress gently creaked at the impact of body mass. 

Though he looked completely blissed out, Ahsoka still felt slightly bad for her Master. She hung a Life Day wreath around his neck, letting a piece of Life Day stay with him throughout his comatose state. 

They filed out of the general’s room. Obi-Wan stopped beside the electronic panel next to the door, inputting a locking sequence.

“You’re locking his door, General Kenobi?” Captain Rex quirked up an eyebrow, confused.

Obi-Wan was too focused to look up at the captain, diligently keying in the last numbers, “We’ll let him out on Life Day.”

“But that’s two weeks away, sir.” Captain Rex hurried to keep up with the Jedi, who had begun to walk down the corridor.

Obi-Wan stopped in his stride, and turned to smirk at the muddled captain, "Exactly."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Holiday madness is the path to the dark side. Madness leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to tranquilized Jedi Masters." - Yoda
> 
> Happy Holidays, and thanks for reading this.


End file.
